Sticks & stones can break my bones, but don’t call me a bad actress.

Just kidding. You can – and should. And I should sit here and take it. See, a few years ago I got involved with an indie horror movie project (Puppy!), where I displayed a wide array of previously unused skills (or lack thereof). I had no idea I wasn’t a very good actress since I’d never tried it before, although I probably should have figured that I would’ve already tapped into that talent if I had it. Anyway, I’m all about new experiences so off into the movie-making land I went. Now, this wasn’t a craigslist thing involving phrases like “gay for pay” or “cheesy motel decor”, so don’t go getting all excited. This was a legitimate situation of a complete stranger approaching me in a shop and asking me to audition at his house in the dark and woodsy lands of Marin county. Don’t worry, I brought a friend. There are also no nipple shots from yours truly, although if you are into that sort of thing, the rest of the actresses had professional adult film industry body doubles.

That said, my role was pretty major, my name rolled in the credits second after Alice Cooper’s daughter Calico, and I will take a good deal of responsibility for why the movie bombed. I felt pretty bad about ruining these nice people’s project, so I tried to be as cooperative as I could be during the chaos of voice-overs, post-production edits, and standing in the middle of the street on a cold March night covered in sticky fake blood, but apparently my good behavior on-set does not translate into the overall quality of the movie and let’s just say the critics did not go easy on my under-acting (I was originally really afraid of over-acting).

My first reaction: “Wow, someone actually watched this thing??”

Immediately followed by: “ :( I suck.”

Rightly so. At least I tried... even if I didn't exactly give it my best shot. Getting criticized on the internet is less than fun times, but even so, one must remember to take it in stride.

I should stick to my usual pen-and-paper medium of self-expression (click to enlarge):